If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
