if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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