I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
