So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
