Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
