The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
