Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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