Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
