I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
