got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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