My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
