do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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