if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So squirting runs in the family.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize