My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
