the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
