I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
