I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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