the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
