I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
