I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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