is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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