it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize