I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
