my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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