So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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