I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize