just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
