So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
