I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
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