What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
