she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
