did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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