The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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