By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
wanna go halves on a baby?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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