It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
