i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
