I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize