3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
