fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
