true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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