I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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