Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize