yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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