I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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