i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
