Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
