her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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