God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
