I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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