There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
