i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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