Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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