My Higher Power is John Stamos
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
