Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
